In almost exactly 24 hours I will
be heading back to America and officially saying goodbye to China. And as the
young kids say these days, I am most definitely "all up in my
feels."
As most
of you know by now, I have made the decision to return to America (California
to be exact) to pursue my Master's degree in Student Affairs & Higher
Education at UCLA this upcoming year.
This was probably one of the hardest decisions
I've made in my life, thus far. I wish I could tell you that this was an easy
decision and that one night The Lord to me and directly told me to go to UCLA
to get my Master's degree in Student Affairs. Unfortunately, it didn't play out
like that. Instead, I prayed, I internally and verbally processed,
I tossed and turned at night at times, I read The Word & journaled, I
even fasted one day all while seeking His wisdom and clarity in making my
decision-the decision of staying in China another year to continue teaching and
furthering my existing relationships with students, or going back to America to
pursue my Masters degree in a field that I felt led to pursue. Ultimately, after
a very encouraging and uplifting conversation with a wise teammate of mine, He
reminded me that in our Savior, we have freedom. Our gracious and merciful Father gives us freedom to choose in which capacities we desire to know and serve Him more. And regardless of where our decisions lead us, "He is with us always." (Matt. 28:20)
Well, after so much consideration, and thoughts,
and prayer I arrived at my decision. There were certainly logistical reasons
that played into my decision, but I ended up deciding on UCLA because I
believed that it would be a good next step in helping me grow spiritually,
personally, and professionally. Yet already, doubt and fears of "what's
next" have begun to set in. My two years in China can be summed up as a
season of learning, growing, trusting, traveling, teaching, abiding, investing,
leading, impacting, and praying. It's been one of the hardest and challenging,
yet most fulfilling and worthwhile times of my life. And maybe you're thinking,
but you live in a foreign country, why wouldn't you be overjoyed at coming back
to "real" life in America?! Well because the truth is, this place,
has become home for me over the last two years and it's rather hard to leave.
It's
hard to leave when your shy students start to show signs of confidence by the
end of the year, or when your sassy student that always sits in the back of the
class acting like she doesn't give a rip about your class sends me a note
thanking me for loving her and coming to China to be her teacher, or when my
Chinese colleagues are finally starting to become familiar with me and remember
my name, or when my Chinese city of 3.4 million finally starts to feel less
ginormous and even vaguely "comfortable" and familiar, or when I make
language advances and am finally able to say more than just "hello"
and "I want that" in Chinese in conversation with my print shop
friends I see on a daily basis, or when my toilet constantly being broken and
power/water randomly going out become my new “normal”, or when I've finally chosen at least one
Chinese meal that I know I definitely like at each of the restaurants
outside of my dorm building, or when teammates become more like family, or when
conversations with students over lunch move from just shallow typical culture
questions, into more thoughtful spiritually seeking questions, or when I share
the good news with a students who may be hearing it for the first time, or my
absolute favorite, when I get to be front and center when the women I lead and
disciple make bigger, lordship decisions to follow their Savior.
These
are all hard things, people, and places to say goodbye to. Especially when it’s
taken a me about a year to adjust, and to feel like my “new normal.”
Nevertheless, I am transitioning and entering into a new season that I feel
that The Lord is calling me to. And certainly it will be full of difficulties
and challenges, but through these I know I will be forced to depend on, trust,
and to have deeper faith in our Good Good Father even more.
But as
I was journaling I was reminded of one of many of The Father's promises regarding His
sheep. If I’m being honest, I’ve never felt more like a sheep that I have
within the last couple weeks. I think,
if a sheep had feelings, they would often feel relatively weak, dependent, and
incapable. These are things I’m feeling as I end one season of my life and
enter into a new one. But then I was reminded of Psalm 100:3 and Psalm 95:7
which both remind us of whose we are. Sheep don’t feel secure, safe, and
provided form in who they are, but in whose they are-they are their shepherd’s
sheep. That is me. I am a sheep in His pasture and can find security,
provision, and hope in knowing that I am shepherded by my Savior. Transitions
are difficult for anyone because it means change, and as humans we are wired to
seek out security and comfort. However, I’m learning that I will not find this
in my circumstances and can only find it in our good and perfect Shepherd.
Times of transition force me to sit at His feet and depend on Him.
If you
are like me and currently find yourself in a season of transition, or will soon
be in a season of transition, learn to be like sheep. Learn to be like sheep who
are secure in this upcoming season not because of who you are but because of
whose you are. “Know that the Lord, he is God! It is he who made us, and we are
his; we are his people, and the sheep of his pasture.” (Psalm 100:3)
Be Encouraged,
Alysse
